I'm Broke Baby, I ain't got no Money
The title says it all for this one. Today, I received my refund check for my loans for school (after a full month of being in school *insert shady moon emoji*). This is my first time having to take out loans for school, since I was awarded scholarships for my undergraduate career ( and by the time I was in my senior year, I had three jobs supporting me, yay capitalism) but the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with regards to money and school has not been fun. All the loops and drops and whatever else rollercoasters do (fun fact: I don’t ride them) have led for the most frustrating month I’ve had in a while, and just like rollercoasters do, it’s made me sick.
On top of the crippling anxiety related to taking out *insert number here* in loans and wondering if I’ll ever be in a position to pay them back (these candidates better be serious about relieving loan debt because whew), I feel like for the past month I’ve been experiencing depressive symptoms specifically related to me not having money. I don’t know who needs to hear this but “POVERTY IS NOT YOUR FAULT NOR IS IT A CHOICE, IT IS A SYSTEM” you can’t just “ pUlL yOuRsELf uP bY tHe bOOtStRAps” from within a system that cut your bootstraps off. My program strongly recommends that students do not work in their first semester, which when I first saw that recommendation, pissed me off. I found it oppressive and representative of my rich school’s, rich student population and rich history that allows them to not take into account poor people’s finances because they’ve never had to. Actually being in the first semester, I understand why they recommend that ( this program is NO JOKE), but just because I understand doesn’t mean I agree, especially coming from making my own money to being broke, literally counting pennies, broke. So being dependent on the government to take care of me, has made me feel these mild depressive episodes because if all I can think about is money, I won’t have time to think about school, and if I don’t do well in school, because all I’m thinking about is money, then I’m wasting my money (hello anxiety, old friend). This cycle is viscious. I’m thankful for having family that supports me throughout this time, but receiving gifts is not my love language at all, and when they send me money or try to help it only makes me sadder and more insecure.
School and life are hard enough without being insecure, in any way, but especially financially. I know the capitalists are about to “It builds character” me to death, but I already have character. What I need is for school(and New York) to not be so damn expensive. But nevertheless. I got my refund and we rich baybeeeee.
xoxo,
Liv
